Dirty and Abused
by Love the Omni
Summary: Sometimes, when abuse is all you've ever known, it is hard to accept happiness. If someone tells you that you deserve pain enough times, you might start to believe them. Ian/Mickey gay slash; Written for Gallavich Week Day 5 prompt: My Creys; TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE AND ABUSE


**Dirty and Abused**

Summary: Sometimes, when abuse is all you've ever known, it is hard to accept happiness. If someone tells you that you deserve pain enough times, you might start to believe them. Ian/Mickey gay slash; Written for Gallavich Week Day 5 prompt: My Creys; TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE AND ABUSE

Disclaimer: I don't own Shameless.

First of all, I just want to say that I'm sorry I wrote this. IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY RAPE OR ABUSE SITUATIONS THEN DON'T READ THIS.

I wanted to capture Mickey's mindset of the world and why he feels that way. I remember getting really depressed after 3x12 because he just_ couldn't_ be happy. Everything in his world just seems so hopeless. It's heartbreaking. I feel like more people would excuse him for the bad things he's done if they just understood his side of the story.

I wrote this fanfiction with my own personal experiences of abuse and rape in mind. I'm hoping that it made the fic seem more real. It's therapeutic to write about it. I never thought I could relate to Mickey this much, it's kind of scary.

* * *

It is the shittiest feeling in the world: being hit by someone you love.

Mickey Milkovich found out early what that felt like. Even though Mickey loved his father unconditionally, Terry Milkovich was an angry and violent man. He hurt Mickey and his other siblings constantly, even without provocation.

Anytime Mickey said something "stupid," his father pushed him to the ground. Anytime he "talked back" to his father, he got punched in the stomach.

Anytime he acted like "a faggot," his father made sure that he wasn't able to see properly out of a swollen black eye for a week.

It became even worse after Mickey's mother died. Terry hit Mickey and his siblings twice as hard, and he constantly yelled at them over the smallest things. Terry never wanted kids, and without their mother, he was stuck raising six ungrateful children all by himself.

Terry told his kids that they deserved pain. He shouted at them over and over that they were all useless wastes of space that would never amount to anything. It didn't matter what they did or what they said, they would never deserve happiness; they _deserved_ to get beaten and screamed at and raped.

Because they were an extension of himself, and Terry _hated_ himself.

The worst part was that, in their own way, his children looked up to him and believed every word he said. They never spoke up for themselves or fought back, because that would only cause more pain. They kept silent, because to them, their father was _right_.

The Milkovich kids all thought that pain was normal and inevitable, so they had no concern or pity for each other. If Mickey ever got pistol-whipped, the others would just laugh. When they suspected that their father was raping Mandy, no one said a word. Even that one time that Terry almost knocked Iggy into a coma, no one seemed to care.

They all suffered alone.

Even though Mickey didn't show it, he was the one who took the abuse the hardest. He was the one that was constantly in fear for his own life, because he was gay.

His father had always hated "faggots" and "queers." He warned Mickey and the others that he would kill any one of them without hesitation if they turned out to be gay. He called them homophobic names and spat out demeaning insults. The others just laughed, but to Mickey it was personal.

Mickey tried his hardest to deny his feelings, but ever since he was young, he _loved_ boys. He loved being with them and talking with them, feeling them against him and inside him. It was embarrassing just how much of a _faggot_ he really was.

But the thought of his father finding out terrified him, and it made him want to smother those feelings out of himself.

Mickey spent most of his teenage years in a state of depression. No one seemed to care about _him_, so he didn't care about himself. He didn't bother to take showers, and he was always covered in dirt. Others made fun of him, but he was too unhappy to care.

He had endured and watched abuse for so long that he didn't know what happiness was. Before he met Ian, he believed that no one would ever love him. Yet somehow, there was still that part of him that clung to life. His survival instinct was all he had.

Being with Ian Gallagher was the closest that Mickey's ever had to happiness in his entire life. Ian showed him kindness and love: something that he'd never had before. The redheaded kid was the only one who regularly came to visit him when he was in juvie. Ian said that he _missed_ him, and that made all those feelings of love inside of him that he'd tried to strangle come alive again.

His feelings for Ian snuck up on Mickey. He didn't realize how happy and in love he was with the Gallagher until it was too late to stop caring. Mickey pulled out of his depression. He even started taking showers and he took better care of himself.

Mickey got a glimpse of what happiness could be, but maybe it would've been better if he hadn't found out what he'd been missing out on. If only he'd never discovered what _love_ was, then he never would have figured out what it felt like to have it taken away.

The day that Terry walked in on Ian and Mickey together, his father was furious. Mickey had never been so petrified. Terry punched Mickey in the head over and over again, until the boy passed out and the light faded from his eyes. He hired a whore to rape his own son and held a gun to Ian's head, forcing him to watch.

As the girl rode him, Mickey felt violated and _wrong_, but he knew better than to argue or to cry. He knew that it would only make things worse. He wanted it to _stop_, but his priority was survival.

Mickey looked at Ian pleadingly for help. Ian had already saved him from everything else he'd ever hated about his life. He _needed_ Ian to save him from this too.

But Ian was only human. There was nothing that he could do. He couldn't handle watching the man he loves in pain, so he looked away.

It was then that Mickey knew that the happiness he'd allowed himself to believe in was a temporary lie. He'd forgotten: he _deserved_ pain. Why had he forgotten that?

So he pretended to enjoy it. He flipped the whore over and fucked her faster. He turned away, because he couldn't stand to look at Ian anymore. He couldn't stand to remember the happiness he used to have, the happiness that he didn't deserve.

Ian wanted someone who was able to love him. Mickey loved Ian, but the fear of being gay had been so deeply instilled in him that he _couldn't_ say it. He would never be able to give Ian what he wanted.

He'd come close once, he'd even kissed Ian, but that kind of recklessness had almost got him killed.

That's why, even though he was hopelessly in love with Ian Gallagher, he agreed to marry the whore, Svetlana. And it was why he didn't chase after Ian when he left for the army.

Because Mickey had always known that he was fucked for life. He knew better than to think that he could ever keep love for himself.

All he had was survival.


End file.
